The Road not Traveled … well — Person #1 takes his road test

Int: Department of Motor Vehicles (DMV) office outside the test track for a Drivers License road test. Supervisor, back to camera, is talking with Robert, the agent who will give the test.

Supervisor: So this is an exceptional case. I’m not saying “go thru the motions” but just make allowances. If he’s close, give him a pass. He’s not really going to be driving much anyway.

Robert: I understand sir. I’ll treat him firmly but with some deference of course.

Ext: Outside DMV office at the test track for the road test. Robert stands with a clip board alongside Person #1. In front of them is a car waiting for their road test.

Robert: Okay sir, we’ll be going over this test track to take your road test …

Person #1: Whoa, wait a minute. I’m not doing a test track. We’re doing this on a real street.

Robert: That’s regulations sir. We use the test track to make it safe for both you and other vehicular traffic.

Person #1: I don’t care about regulations. I’m going to be driving in that [pointing to street]. I’m going to take my test in that.

Robert (pauses. considers this): Well, this is highly unusual. But given your position, I guess it’s okay.

Person #1: It’s okay because I’m a great driver!

Robert gives Person #1 the keys. They get in the car, Person #1 in the driver’s seat, Robert in the passenger seat. Robert crosses himself.

Int. Car.

Robert: So, we’re going to take a slow exit from the test track and right turn onto the street directly outside.

Person #1 gives an understanding nod and revs the engine. The car does not move.

Person #1: Something’s wrong with the car.

Robert: How’s that sir?

Person #1: We’re not going anywhere. Did you forget to put gas in the tank?

Robert: No. As you can see, there’s a full tank based on the indicator on your control panel.

Person #1: Well, it may show a full tank but that doesn’t mean there is gas. These gadgets often get it wrong. Anyway, you know how there are some stations that give you fake gas.

Robert: Sir, I don’t think we’d get that sound from the engine if there was no gas.

Person #1: Well, then, Mr. Smarty Pants, why aren’t we moving?!

Robert: Sir, you’re in “Park”. We have to shift into “Drive”. [Person #1 looks at the indicators but, perplexed, doesn’t do anything] It’s the letter “D” sir.

Person #1: Well, just say that!

Person #1 tries to use the gear shift to move the car into drive but it won’t move.

Robert: You have to put your foot on the break peddle to move the automatic gear shift. (pause) The break is the bigger one.

Person #1: I knew that! Just wanted to see if you did. You haven’t given this licensing test many times, have you?

Robert: Actually, sir, I’m the most experienced man on the lot. While we’re waiting, can I ask you if you’ve read the driver’s manual?

Person #1: I’m a very busy man. But I had my attorney summarize it for me.

Robert nods. The car is now in Drive and moving towards the exit gate. Person #1 prepares to take the car into traffic. It comes to a halt although we still hear the motor rev.

Person #1: What the hell happened now? [he revs the engine more] I’m in D. We’re not moving. What kind of car is this?

Robert: Sir, you were about to race out into the street with on-coming cars incredibly close at hand. I had to push my break.

Person #1: Your break. Why do you have a break? I’m driving.

Robert: All our cars have breaks for the emerging driver and for the DMV test giver. We don’t want anything bad to happen to anyone. I’m supposed to put the breaks on you if you approach doing anything that could constitute a serious crime or even a misdemeanor.

Person #1: No, no, no, that’s not going to work. I want you to disable your break and anything else you’ve got down there.

Robert (pleading voice): Sir …

Person #1: No debate here. I won’t have you breaking me when I’m trying to drive somewhere. I’m in charge here, right?

Robert: Well, you’re really not fully ready yet …

Person #1: Yes yet. Disable now!

Robert stares at Person 1 and seems to be waiting, hoping Person #1 will reconsider. It’s to no avail. He shrugs and goes under the glove compartment area and fiddles with something.

Robert: Okay sir, the second set of breaks and gas pedal have been disabled. Again, highly unusual, I’d say almost unprecedented. [Person #1 smiles at this suggestion] I just beg you, sir, to make sure there is no on-coming traffic when we leave the lot.

The car flies out of the lot, screeching wheels.

Robert: That was not careful. I’m going to have to deduct points for that one.

Person #1: Not careful! I care about everything. Let me show you.

Person #1 reaches into his pants’ pocket to take out his cell phone.

Robert: Sir, what are you doing?! You cannot take that out.

Person #1: That’s what she said.

Robert: I’ll have to deduct more points. It’s another violation.

Person #1: That’s what she said.

Screen shot shows Person #1’s tweet as he types: “I’m the most carefullest person of all the road testees.” There’s a crashing sound as he finishes. He has side-swiped a parked car.

Robert: Oh my God, pull over. We just had a collision.

Person #1: I don’t think so.

Robert: You sideswiped that parked car. It’s a collision.

Person #1: There was no collision.

Robert: What are you talking about?! I heard it and felt it. We have to go back.

Person #1: There was no collision. There was no collision.

Robert: Sir, you can say that over and over again, it doesn’t make it so.

Person #1: Well, we’ll see about that.

Robert: I’m going to have to write a long report about this. A very long report.

Person #1: I’m not worried about that. [while he says this he is looking at Robert and not at the road] People don’t have time to read reports anymore. But write away.

Robert: Sir, please look at where you’re going. You have to look at where you’re going.

There’s the sound of a thud.

Int: DMV office. Supervisor and Robert stand opposite each other. Supervisor still with back to camera.

Robert: It was the most dangerous road test I’ve ever experienced. I’m lucky to be here talking to you.

Supervisor: I’d like you to pass him.

Robert: Pass him?! He’s the worst driver I’ve ever seen. He didn’t know where “Drive” was. He was unconcerned about oncoming traffic … and didn’t signal. He pulled out a cell phone and texted something. He had a number of collisions with parked cars. He almost killed someone.

Supervisor: You can leave that last part out — almost doesn’t get included in reports. So, please pass him.

Robert: Sir, did you hear what I just told you. It’s all in the report.

Supervisor: Let me have that report. It’s a bit long. I like to condense and edit these things.

Robert: Sir, are you going to really give him a pass. Look at all he’s done so far. I know he’s not experienced, but what more might he do? What if he had killed that pedestrian?

Supervisor: Conjecture Robert. I think there are enough people who would give him this license even if he had killed someone. Driving is a heavy responsibility. But people want him to drive.

Robert: What people want him to drive? Why does that matter? He’s dangerous sir.

Supervisor: Who are we to judge, Robert?

Robert: We’re the ones who judge. That’s our job.

Supervisor: Is it, Robert? Is it?

Supervisor turns around. He looks like a former high ranking member of the President George W. Bush’s Dept of Justice team. Robert doesn’t know what to say to the supervisor’s comments. Robert is a good team player. It’s all in his report. He feels he has done his duty. Robert also decides not to be in vehicular traffic anywhere in the area Person #1 might be driving.

For now, it may not be safe for the rest of us on our American roads. Drive carefully and please wear your seat belts. You should do that always. But you should wear your seat belts now more than ever while Person #1 has a license. So should democracy. The trouble is … we are the seat belt for our democracy.